18. Porn or Progress

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by picats3141, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Hahahahaha I love awkward, cringey moments. Not.

    Today was OK. Have a bunch of shit to do, don't have time really to be distracted by what's happening nationally....either way, we survive. Life goes on.

    Specifically, this week is a very important time, and Saturday morning is a very important time. After that, I can relax a bit, but for now, I can't let my future self down.
     
  2. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    You know what? I don't want to gush about my day-to-day, boring anxieties anymore on here. I probably will still end up doing that, but what happened to that spirit of self-improvement, no matter how short-lived it was in me? I still had it. Just doing stuff for myself, not giving a fuck what other people think. I let external perception fuck with me waaaay too much.

    I want to end the era of letting me pity myself on this journal. I will be nice to myself, and I won't beat myself up, but when I fail, whether it be socially or with PMO, I want to be analytical rather than self-pitying. Calm, rather than angry towards myself. I want to understand the reasons for failure, and be a better person for it.

    I feel kind of centered right now. But the cloud of calmness feels kind of like the eye of the storm. I am pushing back stuff that I really need to attend to-- there are only three more nights until the presentation.
     
  3. koolman

    koolman Member

    Because I know how it feels to be alone on your posts I'm going to wish you a good recovery man stay strong buddy alright you can let out your frustrations but also while your letting them out write about what your doing to stop them to end them maybe outdoor activities social gatherings etc.. alright. Stay strong man.
     
  4. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Same to you. I mean...I'll let myself take out frustrations, but hopefully in a constructive way.

    For example, just PMOed. learned that I shouldn't start letting myself look at things I shouldn't.
     
  5. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Today's actually going to be a pretty good day. I'm getting shit done.
     
  6. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Ahhh finally done with that. I presented my work, did service, ate well with good friends.
     
  7. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Decent few days, but PMO yesterday and looked at a decent amount today. I should start counting days again.
     
  8. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Day 2 - I've been trying to really think outside of myself lately, which I don't often do due to my intensely prohibitive self-absorption, in an attempt to understand why the people around me behave the way they do. Maybe, also, to shine some light on why I behave the way I do. It's hard to remember that other people aren't often going to be thinking about you, as often as you think about you.

    I mean, I spend 99% of my time thinking about myself, or what others think of me. We're naturally self-interested, and I have to realize that. When people poke fun, they're not trying to hurt you--their intent is to have a laugh themselves. When teachers, or family, or friends, or girls seem relatively disinterested in you, it's not necessarily because you're boring, it's because you're not particularly interesting at the moment. Seems kind of oxymoronic to be both not boring and not interesting, but whatever.

    It's just that you are not the center point of the universe. I feel like I need to tell myself that. You are one but node in a vast interconnected network of humans. But, nevertheless, you are you, and therefore you should be the most important person to yourself. Because anything you do that influences other people is a result of you doing something. In order to maximize your impact on the world, you need to turn inwards. In order to be satisfied, you need to understand yourself. Not completely, but enough.

    Haha, I guess these are the most pressing issues in my life right now. People are telling me I'm boring, and as a result, I've come to subconsciously accept it and emulate it. I speak monotone, dry, even when the content is interesting, I tend to dull it down with my delivery, and I'm not trying to. I've seen similar things happen when we called one of my friends a scrub, or we constantly roasted this other kid for being really edgy--they came to represent these caricatures of themselves, and they couldn't break out until people stopped telling them that. So maybe I need to introduce another stream of input besides my friends, who only tease me, and my parents, who shower me with the blind praise that parents have for their children, nothing but praise, and that honestly gets to me more than my friends' roasts.

    And I'm not blaming either group; I'm simply recognizing the fact that they have biases, and especially in my friends' case, they aren't thinking about the gradual impact that these words can have, they're just saying them for fun. And I'm not innocent either, we all do it to each other--the problem comes when there's a large imbalance between the number of punches I take and the ones they take.

    I need a rational, honest stream of thought, because neither my parents nor my friends are a useful source of input on my life. At least, from a perspective of social growth, neither is helpful. It can be frustrating at times, to see people socializing so easily--I feel like I'm deficient in some way, because I've gotten to senior year of high school and I still haven't figured out this whole interacting with other people concept.

    If I want to break out of the monotony, to actually have solid relationships with people, to have interesting, deep conversations with people that draw you in, that establish friendships, if I want to lower my awkwardness, to raise my confidence, it'll take commitment on my part. And it's commitment I'm willing to put forth. I think I could benefit from becoming a warmer, more personable person.
     
  9. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Hmm, good day, I think. I had a decent amount of energy today. Now I realize the value of hanging with friends--when I'm receptive to other people, it can really improve my mood.

    I should use this night with no homework as a blessing to work on my essays.
     
  10. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    I'm hungry. I just PMOed. I wanna get shit done this weekend. Stay woke.
     
  11. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Got into my dream school. It was really a moon shot. Couldn't be happier.
     
  12. TheYoungOne

    TheYoungOne Member

    Congrats man!! :D
     
  13. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Thanks!!! @TheYoungOne My exclamation point key has been getting a lot of use lately.

    Now that I'm into college, I've got to thinking a bit about second semester. Since school isn't really a worry anymore, I can focus on other more worthy pursuits.

    1. Read.
    2. Work out.
    3. Violin.

    I can do the things that truly satisfy me, and without school in the way, I can do them to my heart's content.
     
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2016
  14. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    Hey man congrats. How's it going? Things seem to be going well for you. Looks like your efforts have paid off. So what's next in your academic goals?
     
  15. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Thank you LIB! Things are going well. Academically, for the next semester I guess I just have to do well enough to not get my acceptance rescinded :D But in seriousness, I do want to focus on projects that deeply satisfy me, intellectually and emotionally. I want to get more invested in the clubs and activities that I had to put on the backburner during college apps. I want to continue the strides I've made socially...I have some goals in mind in terms of girls. The last thing I want is to have zero experience by the time next fall rolls around, and I'm leaving for college.

    It really has sunk in: it's cliche, but one era of my life is soon ending, and another beginning. Rationally, I've known this was my fate since I was in kindergarten. You graduate, and then you go to college. But only recently did I feel this. Some things don't really start to get real until they're right in your face, you know?

    But the sun hasn't set on this stage yet: there's one last semester, one last hurrah, one last six months to live it up with my friends, build up some muscle, bond with my family, do some self-reflection on where I want to take my life, and evaluate what I have to do to get there. After that, I leave everything I know. So I don't want to have any lingering regrets.
     
  16. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Still basking in the glow of my acceptance. Hanging with friends a lot. Sleeping a lot. Unfortunately, PMOing a lot. That's not the way. I want to absolutely do things that will benefit me in the end.

    I've been reading a little more, but dropped off the last couple days. I'll get back on that. Also, I want to put together a workout routine.
     
  17. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Decreased PMO frequency lately, but still there. I want more. I have energy now, but I want to double it. If I want to push my boundaries socially.

    It's been a good day, or few days. A lot more laughter lately; the mood at school is a lot lighter now that it's second semester.
     
  18. Lifeisbeautiful

    Lifeisbeautiful Active Member

    I can relate to your experience pi. The frequency of pmo has decreased for me as well and it benefits greatly. I feel so much more in control when I am not pmoing. Everything feels exciting. It might have to do with hormones or brain (I am not sure) but anyway it's a very good reason to keep on working towards being pmo free.
     
  19. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Yeah. Having abstained since last Friday, I've felt a lot of energy lately. It's nice to be sensitized. Feeling in control, feeling animated, that's something I'd missed for awhile. It's been good to see that I still have it in me.

    I can appreciate many different types of women when sensitized, and rather than lowering the bar for attractiveness, it feels more like I'm gaining a nuanced pallet. I feel like attractiveness isn't linear, but rather there's different flavors, sweet, spicy, umami....

    ...but the energy is also frustrating in a way, especially if I don't have an outlet for all the sexual energy. Mostly, the frustration hits at night, alone in my bedroom, when I have no one to talk to, nothing to expend my energy on.

    Maybe I have to play the long con. Getting the batting average up is a matter of confidence, especially when you've only ever struck out, and you've only ever played in the little leagues. College is nine months too far away. I want to get on the bases now.

    But I could have something other than women to expend my energy on, too. Because, girlfriend chances are realistically low, even though I'm diversifying my options. I need to start a project that envelops and motivates me, to harness this loose-cannon energy into a concentrated stream. Something ambitious.
     
  20. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Somehow, even with volatile emotions, I still manage to feel more optimistic than when I'm watching P for several hours a day. Thinking of that numbness, that terrible lethargy that overtakes me when I PMO...that's what keeps me going. Two more days until a week.
     

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