17. Porn or Progress

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by picats3141, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Came out of today feeling really good actually. It only takes a few positive interactions to make a day feel good, to build momentum. Hard urges to watch P right now....I admit I looked at a few images, and have really been thinking about pulling up videos...and right now the motivation I'm using to not PMO is (barely) working, but it'll be essentially gone after Friday.

    Right now, I got stuff to do.
     
  2. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Wow, there's one day of school left, and I feel terrible. On paper everything should be good--the future looks very bright. it's just the lack of something central in my life right now, something to hold on to, whether that be a project I'm passionate about, a relationship, a piece I'm particularly enjoying on violin, etc., I feel dissatisfied. I get diffuse, and I wish that there were just a few more weeks....I could develop closer bonds with people.....but it's OK. I need to believe that I'm able to change myself socially, otherwise I'll be invisible in college. I desire strong social connections, but are Instagram followers and snap streaks really the best metric? My peers certainly seem to treat them as such.

    I just hate the fact that I'm socially disconnected. I mean it's kind of my fault. And I can't wait for a fresh start in college. Hopefully I can figure out how to actually build close bonds to people, like my friends have seemingly figured out. The thing is, I isolate myself. Once someone starts entering my sphere and we become acquaintances, I keep them at arms length because I'm scared of socializing more. I feel like every social interaction that I start with someone I don't know well, I really tend to shut it down quick because I'm afraid of crashing and burning if I try to launch a conversation. I'm afraid of the all too common moment when the short-lived conversation fizzles out, because I can't think of anything to say. I don't understand how my friends think of things to day so quickly. I do it sometimes, but I need to be in a positive, upbeat mood to have a continuous conversation with someone, otherwise I won't even start it.

    Ah, school's ending, who cares....

    But I hate being a satellite. I'm on the periphery of everyone else's friend group, and they're going to hang out without me. And I don't know if I could possibly work up the courage to ask any girl out, and would it be worth it, I doubt it. Agh, isn't that just my inner critical voice talking?
     
  3. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Ouch. Just PMOed...now it feels like blue balls down there. That hurts....

    Yeah, I dealt with my negative feelings by PMOing. I'll own up to that. But it's OK. You know what? Who needs girls to be ultra-successful. They won't help me get more free time. They won't help me start my startup. They won't deepen my mind, expanding the depths of my consciousness.
     
  4. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Fuck. I hate being in the background of everything. When my friends are around, I just become part of the background. I love them, but I'm also looking forward to actually getting to establish my own personality next year, independent of them. It's frustrating when there juniors want to emulate you and your friends, and the first two are in positions like your other friends, so they choose to become like them, but the third one just says they're me by default....because I'm the most boring guy. Fuck me.

    I feel so negative right now. I feel like I don't stand out in any way. I know self-pity can consume me whole....so I won't allow myself to feed this sadness in my breast in a dark cycle. But it sucks to feel like an inferior version of someone. Comparison eats you whole.
     
  5. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Well, there goes high school. All that's left is graduation

    I've had some large mood swings lately, highly dependent on my interactions with girls, two in particular. And school's ended, so my regular channel of communication with them has been cut off. at this point, it's either ask one out or give up. I'm inclined to take the latter option, as it's the path of least resistance. But the former option, if I succeeded, could be a great confidence boost going into college. It's just...I would have no idea where to even start in asking a girl out. I have so much self-doubt too. I guess that's life, though, figuring it out along the way.

    It's just frustrating, and I feel really negative and cynical inside, as I have been conditioned to feel when I am experiencing perceived failure.

    I can't remember how I used to get completely absorbed in projects, without constantly depressing myself by thinking about girls. Back then I was making barely any moves to connect with girls, and now I'm getting closer but I'm still stymied. And another guy who happens to be a close friend displaying interest in these girls...further complicating matters.

    I'm sure that a few months from now, I'll feel quite removed from all of this. College will have set in, with its new social scene and set of girls.

    I think I need to start work on a project this summer. Something to satisfy me on the inside. I don't have any highly productive people around me at the moment, so I'll likely have to be my own role model. I'll have to believe in myself, believe that I can do more. I set my own pace. I've already proven that I'm a powerful entity, through what I've accomplished while focused. I have a lot of brain power.
     
  6. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Just PMOed twice...I guess three days isn't bad but I could do better. I have some things to do today.
     
  7. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    From now on, I want to be both a prolific consumer and producer of stimulating content. Consuming: books, podcasts, TED talks, real-life conversations, music, etc. Producing: writing, code, applications, companies...? I'm still open-ended on the producing side. But I want to make things. I was looking for a less cliche way to say this, but I want to make things that change the world.

    I PMOed again today. Not great, as it took the energy out of me. I was actually pretty productive before PMOing.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2017
  8. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Peeked at P in the morning, discontinued mostly out of disinterest. I had some pangs of sadness throughout the day, sadness about the failed thing, and they would randomly come up strongly, and then subside as I let myself feel it; now that I think of it, the pain of rejection (or, rather, being passed up) is a good exercise in mindfulness.

    Everything can be set for you in life, and you can still be dissatisfied. Lots of people I see always want to get to the next rung of distinction in society, or to have a girlfriend, and if you have one, a hotter one, to get more money, to get stronger, etc. Don't get me wrong, I want all of this too. But can you have both internal and external validation? Can I be both deeply satisfied by my life and have the traditional markers of success? I should really read Outliers, random thought. Honestly I just need to get my nose in some literature written by highly intelligent and insightful people. I already have a rapidly growing book list.

    In my mind, I'm all over the place. I'm diffuse, scattered. Which actually isn't a terrible place to be right now, because I'm trying to tie a lot of loose ends together right now, to get my stuff for the future, both short-term and long-term, in order so it doesn't all come crashing down. But once it gets less busy, and more regular, I need to figure out what I'm going to do with all of this time, even if I have already allotted part of it to certain duties. I'm imagining my brain as one of those magnetic boards with a million tiny magnetic slivers in it, and I want to use the big magnet to pull all of those slivers in the same direction, to direct the full power of my mental faculties towards one thing. That's what I hope to recapture this summer, and I say re-capture, because I've undoubtedly done it before. I've created incredible things, things that have shown potential. And that potential has been validated by recognition of my abilities from others.
     
    Last edited: May 9, 2017
  9. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    My mind manages to blow things out of proportion, especially in isolation from others. Lack of social contact, except for getting roasted, seems very intentional when you're cut off from everyone.

    PMO this morning. Next week away should be nice.
     
  10. IHaveFaith

    IHaveFaith New Member

    Hey man I wish you the best of luck
     
  11. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Thanks!

    Past few days I've started to definitely feel much more optimistic about the summer, and honestly excited for everything after that. After reading some stuff online I realized I don't just want a stable life. I don't just want one that society would deem "successful." Boring.

    A good life is one where you develop your strengths, realize your potential and become what it is in your nature to become. (Aristotle.) I don't believe it's in my nature to just take the safe option. Being stuck in a boring, insignificant life scares me. Even if I have attained the "traditional" societal markers of success, I know I will deeply regret it if I don't start maximizing my potential impact on the world right now.

    As I said in a previous post, I want the foundation of my philosophy to be constantly consuming and creating things of value. I want to both consume enlightening books, podcasts, YouTube channels, etc., as well as be creating things. I want to consume and create at a much higher rate than I do currently. But I can't do it blind. I need to think before starting something, develop plans, and then execute the plans.

    As of now, I don't think I know anyone that ambitious. I'm not even remotely that ambitious right now, but I want to be. (Luckily, I will be surrounded by many ultra-ambitious people come fall. I guess there's good and bad to that.) A lot of my friends are on track for "safe" jobs that represent "success" in society's eyes. They will have a solid, comfortable lifestyle but they won't really have an impact on the world, they'll die and their name will be gradually forgotten. Fuck cliches, but I want to go down in history. I need to be able to say that to myself without judging myself.

    I have had these types of self-improvement feelings before. In fact, for a long time, it was the driving force that carried this journal. But as I got wrapped up in other things, wrapped up in the external world's "checkboxes," I forgot to monitor where I'm going in life. I've largely been adrift. Now, however, it feels a little more urgent. What I want to do with my life is completely in my hands right now, and I don't want to take the safe route.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2017
  12. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Today was okay. I felt pretty decent. Wasn't particularly productive. I want to up the level of interesting stuff that happens in my life. The more stuff you do, the more stuff happens to you.

    I'm gonna build this summer. Build muscle, build projects, build knowledge. I'd say build social, but I don't think I'm really going to have much social interaction after, say, mid-June. That's okay. I need to focus on myself for awhile before I get swept up by college.

    Honestly I think my productivity often hinges on how I start out the day.
     
  13. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Today started off pretty slow....woke up at noon, had a three hour nap....but I think I'm still gonna accomplish what I wanted to accomplish for today. Pretty small stuff but that's OK. I'm gonna get more ambitious as the summer progresses.

    Workout program starts tomorrow...we'll see how it goes. I gotta focus on diet too, mostly getting a ton of good/non-empty calories inside of me.
     
  14. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    It's discouraging when I think about how far I have to go physically. But at the same time, the end result is what drives me.

    I want to look and feel great. I want to be confident in my own skin. I don't want to be the wiry, frail-looking guy anymore. Obviously it'll take more than one summer to get ripped, but if I eat (wholesomely) a lot and stimulate growth by working out, I think I can add a lot of mass.
     
  15. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Emotionally on a high right now because of something kind of exciting that happened...alright I gotta calm myself before I rapidly swing the other way.
     
  16. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Alright, I swung back to neutral after figuring out some stuff, and it wasn't as exciting as I thought, and it only supported what I had already conjectured. Actually, a little bit below neutral.
     
  17. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Kind of expected, but still good. Positive affect. Bad taste in my mouth because of the thing though.

    I'm ready to move on from all of that though. From high school in general. I want the freedom to work on my own projects, to not be confined by needlessly rigorous classes. I want to be able to focus on things.
     
  18. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Mediocrity is very, very unsettling to me.

    Everything I've done up until this point has been good. At least, good enough to be the big fish in a small pond.

    Do I feel intimidated when reading about the habits of the greats? Yes. Do I feel intimidated when I read that it takes 10,000 hours to master something? In other words, going at something full-time, seven days a week for ten years? Absolutely.

    This is by no means going to cause me to lower my ambitions, however. Why not maximize your impact on the world? To me, consciously manipulating the variables in my life to make interesting things happen seems really fun.

    I want to read some Peter Thiel next.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2017 at 2:54 PM

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