17. Porn or Progress

Discussion in 'Ages -19' started by picats3141, Dec 15, 2012.

  1. I can relate to your experience pi. The frequency of pmo has decreased for me as well and it benefits greatly. I feel so much more in control when I am not pmoing. Everything feels exciting. It might have to do with hormones or brain (I am not sure) but anyway it's a very good reason to keep on working towards being pmo free.
     
  2. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Yeah. Having abstained since last Friday, I've felt a lot of energy lately. It's nice to be sensitized. Feeling in control, feeling animated, that's something I'd missed for awhile. It's been good to see that I still have it in me.

    I can appreciate many different types of women when sensitized, and rather than lowering the bar for attractiveness, it feels more like I'm gaining a nuanced pallet. I feel like attractiveness isn't linear, but rather there's different flavors, sweet, spicy, umami....

    ...but the energy is also frustrating in a way, especially if I don't have an outlet for all the sexual energy. Mostly, the frustration hits at night, alone in my bedroom, when I have no one to talk to, nothing to expend my energy on.

    Maybe I have to play the long con. Getting the batting average up is a matter of confidence, especially when you've only ever struck out, and you've only ever played in the little leagues. College is nine months too far away. I want to get on the bases now.

    But I could have something other than women to expend my energy on, too. Because, girlfriend chances are realistically low, even though I'm diversifying my options. I need to start a project that envelops and motivates me, to harness this loose-cannon energy into a concentrated stream. Something ambitious.
     
  3. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Somehow, even with volatile emotions, I still manage to feel more optimistic than when I'm watching P for several hours a day. Thinking of that numbness, that terrible lethargy that overtakes me when I PMO...that's what keeps me going. Two more days until a week.
     
  4. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    It's been a good weekend. PMO on Friday once I made it a week, but it's gone better since then. I think I'm taking a crash course in coming into my own socially this semester. I'm unearthing wit, friendliness, cleverness, affection.

    So far, it's making some progress. I tend to get a bit overexcited in social situations, but it's a developing area of mine. It's been great to hang out with friends for a long time every day this weekend. An event I organized ran well, and I had fun too.

    I don't wanna mess that good feeling up with PMO binges. Half telling myself this because I feel urges right now.
     
    Last edited: Jan 16, 2017
  5. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Last week after I posted, I made it a few days, but since then it's been downhill. I've not been able to get off the ground, in part because I let myself go a bit. I ate pretty unhealthily, allowed myself to wallow a bit too much, didn't stop and think before PMOing. But I felt some positive momentum starting tonight. I organized my room, which helps to put my mind at ease. All I need is some little positive thing, and I can snap out of a funk.

    I need to be able to keep centered, and my meditative practices will definitely help with that. At that place I'm going to be next year, I need to maintain a strong sense of self, even if that self is rapidly changing. I want to frequently evaluate whether my life's going in the right direction, whether I have a healthy balance of fun and work. I want to be able to evaluate my ambitiousness, independent of anyone else's. Am I living up to my potential? Am I experiencing everything that I could be experiencing? Am I focused? Am I happy?

    Even starting now, I have to be constantly evaluating and adjusting the direction of my life. I feel like life has taken both some positive and negative directions in the new year. Positive: socially starting to emit more words to more people; feeling more (or less) confident about my appearance; starting to work out; finished reading a good book; relaxing a bit. Negative: am awkward/cold around many people; Have developed a sort of cultish persona I would rather get rid of; have had streams unhealthy thoughts in which I revel in sadness; haven't been a particularly invested leader of my clubs at school; have been a bit of a defeatist lately-- as soon as I get home, I get in bed under my covers, binge watch netflix, and often a PMO to finish off before I pass out. Partially due to negative, self-critical thoughts. Imposter syndrome thoughts, about my acceptance.

    Course adjustments: Have more productive free periods, and free time in general. Reading, useful TED talks, app development. Shed undesirable persona (outside of its appropriate context.) Don't touch face (acne.) Stop suffering from the observer effect, do whatever you intended to do with your time without looking back. Make your clubs more active/successful by championing the cause. Let harmful thoughts go. Eat, drink healthier. Meditate. Start saying hi in the hallways.

    Agh. That's a lot of stuff. I should probably start with like one or two things, otherwise it might get overwhelming and I might give up altogether, like I usually do shortly after getting into one of these self-improvement moods. I need a habit that will be my keystone, something that I start building everything else around. Strong candidates that come to mind are reading and meditation. Both are things that, if applied consistently, would really have a tangibly good impact on me.
     
  6. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    I keep starting to type something and deleting it. Which is emblematic of how life is right now. Melodramatic? Maybe. But it's true. I'm at this place where the future looks bright, but the present is pretty dreary, and I don't know where to pick up. What do I start doing next? Both my friends are running important things. I need to peer pressure myself into doing something cool.

    It's kinda dysfunctional, going home and watching netflix for several hours. I need to fill my life with something meaningful.
     
  7. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Today was a day where I did a lot of perspective-taking on the people around me, whether in class, in my friend's car, or in orchestra. Why do people turn out the way they do? How do other people think and perceive the world around them? what are their priorities? It amazes me how any two humans' neurons are arranged in radically different ways, storing radically different memories, habits, skills, intellects, emotions...

    So what got my neurons to the place they are now? Not to be self-congratulatory, but relatively, it is a pretty good arrangement that I've got. Obviously it's got flaws, like the porn addiction circuit, the lack of wiring when it comes to social aptitude and women, lack of focus and drive at times, etc. But hey. I think it should be a balance of recognizing my positive attributes as well as isolating and fixing the negative ones.

    It takes consistency.
     
  8. That's an interesting thought. The plasticity of the brain allows continuous remodelling of the brain with experience and you can imagine how 20 years of entirely different experiences could result in an entirely different brain. Of course, not to discount the genetic predispositions in every individual. This is actually something which I am studying both as part of academics and my personal interest. Our brain is like a looking glass through which we percieve reality. But rather than being a passive transparent device, it actively constructs the perceptions. This explains how the same reality could be percieved in radically different ways by different people.
     
  9. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    @LIB I really want to start reading about psychology/neuroscience. It sounds fascinating, and I think understanding how my brain works would be beneficial, in light of PMO and other habits. It's true that our reality is constructed, and it's scary. We're all living in the same universe, but experiencing vastly different realities, depending on how our brains decide to make sense of the heaps and heaps of sensory input we receive every day.

    I had been PMO free for about half a week, and it was actually going pretty good. Then I binged over the weekend, and for most of yesterday, I was immobilized in bed, until hanging out with friends last night forced me to get up. The last couple months haven't been the most productive; to the contrary, I haven't really produced much at all. Whereas before I was writing research papers, crafting essays and CAD drawings and Java programs and origami models....I've quieted down a bit.

    But there might be some good to this time of inactivity. It is hard to change direction when you're moving fast, and putting the brakes on things has allowed me to see myself a little bit clearer. I think I'm sowing the right seeds. I'm reading stimulating books, I'm leading active clubs, I've started a workout routine, and I'm hanging out with my friends more. I am encouraged by the fact that I am starting to loosen up socially. I still struggle with often being on the periphery of groups, with the perception of myself as "boring," etc. I'm scared of feeling like an imposter in college, given how accomplished everyone else around me will be.
     
  10. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    The last week has been without PMO, and right now I feel just horny and frustrated. I would rather feel like this than numb-- but that's not to say this feeling doesn't suck. It does. I am constantly despairing that I am a kissless virgin, and my friends' own defeatism about their romantic failures doesn't help.

    It's a weird time in my life. It's a weird time in my friends' lives. Until now, for the past four years, I scarcely have had a time to step back and look at the big picture. What kind of person am I becoming? The answer to that question scares me, excites me, and depresses me at the same time.

    As far as emotions go.....volatile women-feelings, mixed with volatile friend-feelings, mixed with volatile self-feelings.
     
  11. Nuel_sigi1994

    Nuel_sigi1994 Member

    Friend i know what you are going through
    And you are still young
    If u wanna set free read my succes stories
     
  12. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    I PMOed the fuck out of myself today.

    I was completely immobilized in bed after a long, protracted jerking off session. And then several more times throughout the day, I re-numbed myself...by the fifth orgasm today I felt completely deflated. I didn't get out of bed until the evening, after which I felt somewhat depressed.

    Vacation will be nice.
     
  13. Hey pi, don't let this fill you up with negativity. It isn't as tough as it seems after a day like that. Shift your focus onto better things in life and move on. Wish you the best.
     
  14. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    It's funny how competitions can turn people against each other. It's been a whirlwind last few weeks--I feel like one by one, everything is ending, I'm moving on from everything that has kept me rooted. In three weeks, high school ends.

    There's a lot that I will not miss. A lot to look forward to. It is just hard to process for someone who's lived the same way, same place, same school my entire life. But there's still a lot left for me to do in these last weeks.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
  15. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    Confidence is such a fickle thing...it only takes a chain of a few positive events to build it up one day, and then a few negative events to destroy it the next.

    I'm not sure if I'm talking about confidence, ego, or both. Whatever it is.....I tend to oscillate. I'd rather tend to the mean. As much as I don't want to overreact to negative events, I also don't want to be overly boosted by positive events, only to come crashing down later. It's not a healthy mindset, being taken for an emotional rollercoaster by everything. I want to be more even-keel.

    I guess it's natural that I'm like this, especially after a few days of abstaining; I have no idea how to regulate my emotions without the numbing effect of porn.

    Lots of urges. It's worst when I have a particular video in mind.
     
  16. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    The double PMO today killed my energy. I hadn't done it in 4-5 days, so when it happened....it really happened. fuuuuck

    And about the whole being taken for emotional rollercoasters....let's say there's a girl involved, the rollercoaster highs get higher, the lows get lower. It also worsens when, let's say, your friend is also interested in that girl, but you obviously don't want to bring up your feelings when he talks about her, let alone be in competition with him, because he's one of your closest friends, so you support him. And his personality is more dominant than yours, so you let him take the spotlight when you're both around her. Let's say you're not sure if she's into you, him, both, or neither (but it really doesn't seem to be the latter option,) and you have zero experience or confidence in that regard, and she rejected you two and a half years ago, but since then, in the past year, a lighthearted friendship (within the confines of school) has blossomed, and recently, you seemed to click in an event that occurred late after another event, and your brain has convinced you she is very beautiful and kind, and letting her get away would suck. And, let's say, school ends in 9 days. And, just for kicks, you (like all of your classmates) are going to college far away in a few months.

    This hypothetical scenario would really make one feel strange inside.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2017 at 4:27 PM
  17. picats3141

    picats3141 Active Member

    PMO just now. I want to make it longer than these two-day spurts. Which means I can't let myself "test" the waters.

    I feel weird inside. Not just for the reasons stated above. I just don't know why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. Everything is ending soon, and I just feel kind of uneasy. I just want to observe myself, sit with my shit and work this all out. I guess now that I've stopped binging lately, I'm getting a crash course in living sensitized, as opposed to numb all the time. It's not easy. All these negative emotions that I never dealt with....I just used porn as a method to desensitize myself from that so I could get my work done robotically. Well, now there's not much work, and I haven't had as much stress, which has led to less of a "need" for PMO, which is good....but when the pressure cranks back up next fall (or even possibly this summer,) I can't just go back to my old, unhealthy method of just jerking off whenever something goes awry. I need new structures in my life to replace the old.
     

Share This Page