Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, man.
     
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day153> Tuesday

    I find myself starting to wonder if this is all worth it.

    If I am worth it.

    I notice all these fellas struggling here with the discombobulations of Reboot and wonder: was it not easier before when I could just bliss out on PMO and not have to worry about dealing with uncomfortable feelings?

    Yesterday was intense, like the entire world was crashing in on me and I felt like I was being (psychologically) smashed to pieces.

    Last night, laying in bed, I found myself recalling the blissful oblivion that I could sometimes (often) find in PMO and it was extremely appealing. I fancy I could feel the neuro-chemistry of it, a wave of pleasure caressed my being. I brought my attention to my breath, instead. That momentary rush was frightening, in a way, demonstrating that at this stage I’m not far away from it, that it can grab me so easy. In fact, I’m probably in a more precarious position than I was when I first started reboot: as many of us have experienced, the intense rush after a period of abstinence can be exhilarating.

    I see some of you blokes slipping every couple weeks, getting to have a lil’ taste and yet (seemingly) still managing your lives okay. It causes me to question this path that I am on. I think, if I’d known how hard it was gonna be, if I’da been able to have a taste of how unmanageable my life would become, how hopeless and dejected and overwhelmed I would feel (for so long now) I don’t think I would have had the courage to step off.

    For today, I keep on, though.

    What choice do I have but to ride this out, keep working Active Recovery (when I at all have the energy to do so) and to see what comes of it?


    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    The Mindfulness course started last night and it looks as though that will be useful.

    I will go to yoga shortly (even though it’s not what I want to do: I want to go back to bed!)

    My daily self-care is in the toilet. I will try to get some things done today, though.


    Even though the feeling that is furthest from my heart is 'gratefulness', I think that this means it’s even more important to consider what
    Today I am Grateful for:

    -YBR and you blokes.

    -Mindfulness

    -Clean running water. .

    #The lady I met at the beach yesterday who rescued her lil’ dog from the pound.

    +Getting back to work, regular.


    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  3. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    I think we need 18 months sober before we can really sense that ground beneath is solid, before the rewiring is really stable. I'm feeling good at the moment and recognize the huge benefits I've gained from staying away from PMO and my other activities, but a lot of the winter I struggled to "feel" my progress.

    Any thoughts to looking around for someone to share your awesomeness with?
     
  4. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Mate, I'm no good to anyone at the minute. I'm hoping that over the coming months I can find it in me to put myself out there. I suspect that no one in their right mind would want me as a 'partner' (financially, I can barely take care of myself and emotionally, I'm a basket case) but I can be a good friend, an a attentive lover. We'll see how it goes.

    I made it to Yoga but forgot my fcuking gear, so now fighting the urge to go back to bed. I might go back to bed later but I will do my grocery shopping first so that at least I have one thing done and can have some healthy tucker to choose from.

    This totally sucks, Saville. The only thing that keeps me going is that it is (supposedly) temporary. I suppose it'll only be temporary, though, if I can find ways of managing my inner-space (that aren't just other addictions). Otherwise I'll simply be like one of those blokes at AA they call 'dry drunks': sober, but miserable because they haven't worked the program (or worked it successfully).

    What a drag.

    Thankyou ever so much for your support, though, Saville.

    It really means a lot to me, man.

    There is no way I could do this without you blokes.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    I went back to bed.

    Now I'll do my shopping.

    Sheesh. What a day.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  6. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Hey Billy B, just want you to know that you're not alone in the struggle. Hang in their mate, as it's hard to recognize our own light when we're in the midst of our angst - yet really easy for others to see. I see it in you, and it is as bright as can be:) Your day will come:D
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, mate. Thankyou.

    I've had this feeling today... the blissed out oblivion of a post-abstinence-pmo sesh is... intensely alluring. Even writing this is a trigger so I will not mention it out loud, again. In fact, when it comes, I'll take that as an opportunity to bring my awareness back to the breath.

    That's the plan, anyway.

    I'm just trying to remind myself that it's an extremely temporary non-solution to what has been a long-term problem (frightened by certain emotions), not sustainable in the least and also likely to set me back, possibly way back when we consider that one pmo is never enough (as well as it being too many).

    I've also had suicidal thoughts creeping in again. I'm safe for now, fellas, don't worry. You will know if it starts to feel serious, as will my local mental health care professionals and friends (youse are all part of my support network, after all). Anyhow, suicide is an excessively permanent non-solution to a temporary problem... even if that problem (learning to sit with my emotions) seems crazily impossible, today.

    I'm going now to give me mates the heads up that I've been having dark thoughts. I'll let me psych know and call the mental health triage so that, if somehow it gets too serious (I feel hopeful it won't) I will have already broken the ice. In fact, reaching out now may even serve to help me hold the thoughts more lightly.

    Please stay tuned, fellas. I need youse right now.

    Love.
     
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

  9. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hi Billy - so sorry you're having a rough time. I just wanted to echo what NCB says above - I know you can't see you own goodness at the mo but we all can. You've helped us all in many ways and continue to do so. Keep going mate!
     
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yeah, made them into a bunch of cranky bastards!

    But truly, yeah, it did.

    You made me laugh!

    Thanks, MarstonS.
     
  11. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi Billy. I started to wonder that 'if this is all worth it' too 2 months ago. Getting even a temporary relieve from PMO started to be so alluring prospect that I gave in...I planned to do it just one more time...little did I know.

    Now after 2 months of wallowing in the mud, I can from my experience say that it is definetly worth it (no PMO I mean). I wish I could switch back 2 months and reconsider that one small choise...and choose differently.

    You have gone such a long way. Don't throw it away. You're an inspiration!
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Onya, fella.

    I touched in with me mates (they can see some goodness, too). Ate something healthy. Done me dishes.

    Too early for bed.

    Perhaps a walk will help...
     
  13. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Just what I needed to hear, Oneway. Cheers, Brother. I'm stoked to have you back on board. We need all the help we can get, it seems!

    Pmo is not an Option, right?

    Right.
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  14. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Definitely just not an option...do whatever it takes.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 154> Wednesday

    I hear that Gratefulness first thing in the morning can help set us up for the day, so...

    Today I resolve to be Grateful for:

    -Shelter from the elements (more or less)

    -Electricity (and the modern conveniences it affords)

    -My support networks .

    #Getting clean (which is an act of kindness directed at my future self).

    +Moving out of this place into one that is properly insinuated and well-managed (and hopefully where I can have a lil' dog).


    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) I witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.

     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  16. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    I am sorry that you are struggling. DON'T give up, man! You know that this fight is worth it!

    I wonder if you might benefit from more intense exercises. When I was doing karate I felt really amazing, but then I had an injury and was too lazy to come back. What I mean is that sometimes yoga is still too much delving inside the self and it could be that you need to get the energy out. These are just thoughts, I am not saying that this is the case. I base them on my own experience. After my relapse on Sat I hit the gym and have been going there everyday, I think it really helped preventing a downward spiral.

    It is easy to be giving advices, I used to hate when people tell me - why don't you do this, or that, as if they tell you to stop being depressed, as if it is our own desire to be depressed! But anger leads to no good, especially self-anger. You have reminded me the importance of acceptance. I can just say that I hope you will overcome the darkness and wish you bright days ahead!
     
  17. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    Have you tried this?


    I am not sure whether it does what it says but it calms me down. And some times placebo is more important than the medicine itself.
     
    Abc likes this.
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Hey, yeah, no worries, man. And thank you. Cardio is important, also, and something I've been missing in my recovery plan. That's why I've been at least trying to get in the pool. Haven't got there since Friday, though (or Yoga since Thursday). Today I feel like death warmed over and it's all I can do to keep from wallowing in my sadness. Sadness is sadness and it's probably better to recognise and to feel it than to try avoiding it with addictive behaviours, but finding how to do so without it becoming overwhelming... that's the hard part.

    And yeah, it's true that we have a choice (to a certain extent) how we feel, how we react (or respond) to our thoughts and to outside stressors but that concept, I find, only works when I apply it to myself. You'll never hear me try tell someone else that (at least not when they're feeling bad) cause when someone does to me, I have a similar reaction to what you describe. It's a tricky one.

    Listen: I really appreciate yr support, mate. I know that you are strugglin', yrself, so I appreciate it even more.

    My only hope is that if we can get through this Reboot and that if we can spend at least some of that time workin' Active Recovery (as much as we can, actually, when we're not simply reeling from PAWS or whatever) I expect that within about 6 months or so the road will get smoother and we'll have more energy (as well as the clarity) to work on our deeper issues as well as creating the lives we deserve to live.

    Right now I am in absolute awe at the depth and intensity of the damage that this addiction has wrought on so many of us... and that recovery (for me, at least) is even more painful and debilitating than life was caught up in the cycle of addiction (I never expected this)! I'm just trying to keep in mind that it is possible to heal from it and from the other hurts in our lives (as well as our unhelpful cognitive habits and our inability to effectively process emotion, etc.) and that there is hope, even when it feels hopeless.

    In all honestly, it's feeling pretty hopeless, right now.

    But what choice do I have?

    None, but to soldier on, see what comes of it all. :(
     
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Your thoughts?

    I know for a fact that the bulk of my depression is not sadness but the inability to engage with sadness, and to let to it go. The idea of crying is so incredibly scary to me that even when it comes I can't help but to choke it off, it seems. I have even had the positive experience of crying for release. A number of years ago I learned this trick and since have occasionally had some success with it: and that once I can push past the fear, it comes a flowin' and is surprisingly painless and cathartic.

    Unfortunately I can't do it in my home without being heard by my neighbours. Neither can I let completely fly at a SLAA meeting, even if can get to the point where I feel safe to do so (folks cry there all the time but they’re chokin’ it off, so letting fly isn’t an option).

    This is one I need to address and I'm just noticing now that I haven't, before, brought it up here because the thought is too scary... all that pain…

    I wonder... I need to find a way to address this.

    I did a search last night for 'Emotional Release Therapy' in my home town but, apart from the fact that I don't have two cents to rub together at the moment, it all seems to be caught up with a whole bunch of oogly-boogly garbage like fucking angels n' shit.

    To be honest… I don’t want a ‘solution’ because that would mean having to acknowledge the sadness and feel it… that said, any and all ideas from you fellas would be welcome (even if I choose not to take to take those ideas and run with them)… maybe youse can inspire me somehow to get this one sorted?

    Obviously I will talk to my Psych about this next week, also.
     
  20. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Billy, I don't have anything concrete to offer you, but I feel that when you get through this (and you will) there will be good things awaiting. Every dark tunnel has its end and you will come out stonger. I'll say a prayer for you bro.
     

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