Tearing Down the Walls, Part 2.

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Billy B., Oct 23, 2016.

  1. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Billy, I like the "reverse" list concept! Recording what you have done day after day may give you insight on what your days typically consist of, and may make you see new things you REALLY want to add to your To Do list.
    As for the chick at the pool: been there. It's pretty normal to let fear of rejection make those precious 5 seconds come and go. One of the guys here said he made a point of stepping out of his comfort zone every day and wearing his inevitable rejections as a badge of honor. But he also realized that smiling at a woman and engaging in conversation with her before the inner editor took over was easier than he thought. I was really impressed with his chutzpah, just as I'm impressed with yours. Keep on, mate!
     
  2. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Ta, mate. That's good info. I particularly like the 'rejections as a badge of honour'! I really look forward to exploring this stuff as I get better. I might even have a sniff at the PUA sites to see if I can't learn something... if I can find a way to not be sickened by the objectification and the undercurrents of misogyny!

    Fuckwits.
     
  3. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 149>Fridee

    Still a lil’ bit fatigued off and on, a lil’ bit melancholy at times and a lil’ bit scatterbrained (which can make me cranky) and which may or may not be Reboot related. All in all, doing well, I think, though.

    I almost got caught to Peek, yesterday. Searching for an old friend on FB, the profile page for one of my (previously) favourite porn stars (with the same first name) come up accompanied by a very appealing pic of her smiling away as though innocently oblivious to the curse her chosen profession is perpetuating on so many of us (not to divert blame, you understand). The cursor was hovering… but then I remembered NCB’s 11th Commandment “Thou Shalt not Peek”.

    Phew!

    I met a veeeery interesting She, yesterday. Gorgeous and personable, a lot in common with yours truly. Because I’m something of an addict, I was getting very carried away (in my head) the first fifteen minutes, even as I was tempering my tendency to fantasise romantically with mindful-awareness. Turns out she’s married (that’d be right!) but I only let that bother me for a moment, because… it doesn’t need to concern me, does it?! Y’see, even only a few years ago (or like the other day at the pool) I would take some information like this and make it all about me, about how I’m undesirable and hopeless at relationships and ugly and stupid and pathetic and all. Ridiculous! As I mentioned in yesterdays post, I’m not always going to be as healthy around this stuff as I would like to be at the minute (because I’m in still in withdrawal/recovery) but I’m pleased that in this instance at least, I was able to step out from under my baggage and simply be happy to’ve made a new friend.

    That said, I am toey as all fuck, off and on, now that my healing is starting to advance (and I’m no longer self-medicating) and I look forward to hopefully (mindfully) stepping into that space again in the coming months. The more experienced members of the SLAA group have some good information about ‘dating in recovery’ and are even available to coach and chaperone (so to speak) which I think will help me to avoid falling back into familiar patterns: picking (often slightly mental!) and emotionally unavailable women, getting caught up (and in deep), too quickly, etc.

    Gawd bless Recovery.



    Daily Self Care/ Active Recovery/ Moving Forward.

    I missed both my SLAA meeting and my Pranayama class this week because of scheduling issues, but have a plan to address that for next week. I’m meeting up with an experienced member before the SLAA group, tomorrow, so that will be good, I think, to talk about the program in more detail and how it might work for me.

    I did some more laps at the pool this morning and will try to fit some more in Sunday, before work.

    Mindfulness course starts Monday night.

    I managed my first two pot-free days in a row by ‘surfing the urges’ and if I can keep that up for a few weeks I will have a think about what might be the next step (perhaps extending it out to three off/one on).


    Mostly covering the daily stuff, but…

    Areas I’d like to improve upon, include:

    -Meditation
    -Neural Stretches for Tennis Elbow
    -Rehab exercises for broken finger
    -Learning new songs and or tricks on the guitar



    Today I am Grateful for:


    -My lovely neighbour who is a recovered addict (of everything except PMO!) and a great support.

    -My on-going Recovery.

    -Small children and dogs (who’s uncomplicated world-views help remind me that joy can be found in the simplest things).

    #The lady I saw collecting for ‘Disability Sports’: volunteers make the world go round! I dropped a button in her cup.

    +Playing some crazy music with my mate, this evening.


    # An act of kindness (no matter how small) that I witnessed or participated in.
    +Something I am looking forward to.
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  4. Lowdo

    Lowdo Well-Known Member

    Hey billy - well done! It's amazing how stuff sneaks in like that - I've had a couple of near misses as well. In fact I had a very near relapse at the beginning of the year just because of a bizarre series of coincidences that lead to me seeing a site that tempted me to peek... NCB's commandment is very important to me now!

    That near-miss brought me to YBOP and then to this site however so I'm grateful it all worked out!

    I really like your 'grateful' list - I think I might try doing something similar.
     
    Abc and Billy B. like this.
  5. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    What a great story!

    We all lucky to be here, me thinks...

    Yeah. Good place.
     
  6. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    You're going through PAWS, man. It sucks and it lasts a while, I still get PAWS at times...but it gets less and less over time!

    Take care of yourself today.
     
    Billy B. likes this.
  7. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Billy B, you're doing some great work, mate:D Way to go!!!!
     
  8. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Thanks, again, Fellas. I am well prepared for more ups and downs though definitely looking forward to when the PAWS ease off... sheesh!

    Thanks to MarsdonS, I have one more lil' tool to add to my box of tricks: when that lil' worm gets in my ear, says "you cannot weather the storm" I can stand tall and proud, and like a warrior cry "Bullshit! I am the Storm!!" and, to paraphrase my all time favourite space-pirate, Mark Watney, "Fear my Recovery Powers!"

    :p!!
     
    Lowdo likes this.
  9. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    150... yeah, thanks man. I seem to've misplaced that positive energy of the last week or so. Its amazing how quickly and completely my moods can shift. Just tryna keep that in mind while I'm down again. My own sleeps not been that great, either, Marston, and its so integral to our well being...

    I just keep truckin' on, mate. Rest if I need to, try not to get caught up in self-pity... my daily self-care has taken a hit, though, the last 24/36hrs. I'll make a point of taking some positive action again, tomorrow, I think.

    Poo.

    Poo... except that my clean streak is inspiring you! Gotta be pleased with that. And 5 months.... that must be a personal record, I reckon.

    Right now I'm grateful for:

    -my bed

    -my air-conditioner

    -150 days clean.
     
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    And you will get there, MarstonS!

    One day at a time. :cool:
     
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is key. Wallowing in the mire of self-pity leads right back to where we started. Congrats for keeping it real, bud.
     
  12. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Good onya, Mate. Thankyou, thankyou.

    My dream last night reminded me that if I'm patient and keep working Recovery things will things will come good. I've woke feeling slightly more positive and once again, hopeful.

    I am ever so grateful for you guys, for the folks at SLAA and for the fact that I've got this far, hopefully through the worst of it, even if there are ups and downs to follow.
     
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Congrats Billy. 150 days!

    Rest assured, ups and downs will follow o_O:(:);). Fact of life, rebooting or not. Going through my own down atm. And not getting caught up in it too much (wallowing). Just keepin on moving. Not paying too much attention. Just naming him, here is Bobbie the downer. 'How are ya, Bobbie Down, good to see ya, take a seat and and have a rest while King Bob rules his kingdom.'

    Mate gotta say you have this, I was so happy to read you gave yourself a pat on the back. Its the kindness to yourself that will bring the deep shift. Your schedule are your tools to get there. Research has shown (Dr Tania Singer) that mindfullness with self compassion is a lot more powerful than mindfulness alone...

    http://kindful.com.au/blog/2015/12/16/the-neuroscience-of-compassion-with-tania-singer

    Long live King Billy B, may he rule his subjects compassionately. :cool:;):)
     
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2017
    Billy B. likes this.
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    What a great post, man, thankyou!

    I love the lil' mindfulness trick. I've got a couple of me own... that you have reminded me to engage more, often.

    I get the Black Dog to sit down by the fire place, sometimes, while i get on with lookin after meself. He whines a bit, but i just tell 'im, "I know yr miserable, but its for yr own good. I'm doin' this for us and besides... who's Top Dog?
    That's right, and the sooner you get used to it..."

    And I'll give him a lil' scratch, cause the poor bugger doesn't know any better, after all. ;)

    I s'pose I must have got the idea from "Taming the Black Dog" though I seem to remember not 'getting it' at the time. I'll have to revisit... and check out that link.

    Cheers, Brother! :)
     
  15. Garga2

    Garga2 Member

    Hey mate, I haven't been here for a while. My journey has not been very smooth as of late, perhaps even since the very beginning. After all, I became aware of the addiction in the summer of 2012 and I am still struggling. I read your reflections on the women you encounter in your life. I think it is truly a gift to be able to accept what life brings without craving or self-blame or feeling of emptiness, or...other dark notions of the self. Perhaps, being able to simply accept and be grateful is the sign of the acceptance of the self. I think, I have a long way to go, until I get there.

    I realize that loneliness and lack of a sense of purpose push me towards relapse and sometimes being around people that I don't want to be around makes even lonelier. I haven't achieved the habit of self-care, the same way I am in the habit of brushing my teeth. I have not made exercise, breathing, meditation, supplements a routine, yet. Your journal keeps reminding me how important the discipline and strong will are.
     
  16. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Sorry to hear you strugglin', Dude. Yeah, all this self care can be an overwhelming prospect for me. I'm trying desparately to find a way to balance it all out, make it happen. Right now, I'm having the strangest... I can only assume it's reboot-related... unless it's the Ahwaganda? I am freeeeeeaking out cause, I'm normally a lil' noise sensitive but at the moment it's intense... I just wanna scream and yell and fuck shit up! That's after realising that to run away and hide in the desert or the forest or at the bottom of the ocean, that these things are not possible or practical.

    Thank goodness I've the Mindfulness course starts this evening. Maybe it can help.
     
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2017
  17. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Obviously, I was referring to the ups and downs of reboot, specifically.

    You think I don't know about ups and downs, Bobby J?

    Or that getting clean isn't going to solve all my problems?

    I know aaaaall about this.

    I'm no fool!

    Fuckin' PAWS is what I'm dealing with right now and I can tell meself "it'll pass" till I'm blue in the bloody face, that doesn't make it not suck.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2017
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Day 151> Monday.

    This is fucked.

    The only things it has going for it is that its temporary and for a purpose: I'm gettin' clean.

    Today I am Grateful for:

    -fuck all, at all.
     
  19. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Ps 'poligies to have a go atya, Bob.
    I was strung out like crazy.
    I know ya didn't mean nothin' but nice things.
    I only leave it posted to demonsrate that i can a reactionary bastard, at times.
    Peace to you, Bro.
     
    bobjes likes this.
  20. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Wow, you really can be a reactionary bastard! ;) But, it will pass. :D

    Feeling all akimbo sucks. As you wrote on nofapado's journal "at least there's a point to the pain of rebooting." I think your reaction is good. You recognize you were lashing out, but at the same time you aren't running to P to make you feel better. Keeping contact with this incredible community is such a life-line.

    Love to you, bro.
     
    Billy B. likes this.

Share This Page